Thoughts of a Crimson Haired Girl

I know you care
I feel it all around me
When I am near or far
It extends any distance
Winding its way across oceans
Through narrow dimly lit roads
Through the cracks in the pavement
Through the cracks in those cracks

Slipping under my door
Your warmth lights my world
I close the door sometimes, not to keep others out
But to reinforce a state of security I am lacking within myself
I cover up the cracks in my brick walls with brightly coloured pictures
Not just for the mental escape they offer me
But to disguise the fact that I am living within the confines of these walls
Too scared?
Too worried?
Not afraid of who I am, but afraid of the person I have lost

I feel so free some days
Like I can do anything
Conquer every fear I’ve ever had
But my biggest fear is not heights, nor strangers, not even falling
But the fear of being forgotten
Of being left behind

Will you remember me after I tell you my name?
Will you remember my name after you forget my face?
Plunged into darkness
Sometimes I feel alone and scared
Sometimes I feel weak and inferior

But it is your light
Your warmth
Your love
That chases those shadows away
Once again I am free
Untouchable
Nothing can stop me

Without your light I do not know which abyss I could have disappeared into
Even when I was standing on the edge
Losing my balance
Your light guided me

Please know I care
There might be mountains and oceans between us
Or perhaps a gentle stream
You are the air beneath my wings
And with your light
I am free.

A new year and a new adventure.
After a year of partying, working, travelling and living over in London and galavanting across Europe, it was time to knuckle down and get stuck into developing my professional self.
For those who don't know, I'm at the University of Wollongong studying a double degree of International Studies/Communications and Media on a Dean's Scholar Programme. But as discovered, it's not all textbooks and study, no not at all.
Yes university has just started but I couldn't be having more fun!

I'm currently living on campus with people from everywhere, rural NSW, interstate and people from over 30 countries across the globe.
I can't wait to go travelling around the world again because now I'll have even more people's couches to crash on.
Everyone is absolutely lovely which makes it easier when adjusting to a new environment.

With only two weeks of university completed so far, the work load is already enormous with blogs, tweets, French verbs, readings, readings and more readings and preparation for tutorials all piling up.
To be honest, it's great to actually have deadlines and homework again. (never thought I'd ever say that)
My brain has been on a drinking, chilled out holiday for over a year now and it's definitely enjoying the workout that uni is offering.

Although, when overseas, your brain functions in a different way. You may not necessarily be studying and preparing for exams, but you're constantly learning new things, especially when travelling.
Whether it be trying to decipher Hungarian, figure out timetables, ask for directions, getting lost, catching public transport, going on free walking tours, hearing about the incredible history/culture of a certain artefact, landmark or building... your brain is constantly in action. Because if it isn't, that's when people take advantage of the dazed and naive tourists.
I still remember certain stories that tour guides have told me whether we were looking over a Loch in Scotland, a dungeon in London, a square in Poland, a building in Hungary a river mountain in Austria or a cafe in Amsterdam, their little personal stories of love, war, folk lore, revolts and invasions are the ones that will always stay with me.

I've been home for two months now and it feels like I never left the UK. Sometimes I get a little disorientated when I'm on a bus and I flashback to sneaking onto buses in Italy, even drinking vodka reminding me of the $5 Polish vodka, or when I'm at a train station, I'm reminded of the countless hours spent on the tube in London... So many vivid, amazing memories which I never intend on letting go of.

I guess I'm still adjusting to 'reality,' but being distracted by university, friends and the not so occasional party, definitely helps.
I'm really looking forward to all that this year, this house, this family has to offer.
Carpe Diem. Sieze the day and see where the road takes you.

xxx
A

I crept outside under the cover of darkness
My feet gently brushing the dewy grass
The moon dimly glowed low on the horizon
My eyes were still adjusting to the darkness
The whisper of the ocean caressed the sand and my ears
A salty sweet breeze glided through my hair as I made my way to the waters edge

I sat amongst the sand
A warmth still buried with them after the radiant sunshine had set
I brushed my hands through the infinite grains
Soft and sparkling in the moonlight
I gazed up towards the sky and my breath was whisked away in the breeze

I slowly layed down allowing my body to be consumed by the earth
Thousands of stars shone brightly like diamonds against a black sea
They twinkled so daintily across the Milky Way
They were telling me their stories as I gazed into the past
I listened intently, captivated by their adventures
Their were more voices appearing

My eyes adjusted to the dark and could see nothing but their magnificent glow
I tried to look beyond them, into the blackness
I kept looking and looking and it just kept going and going
I can't even comprehend the vastness of eternity
How many millions of years they've lived
How many people they've looked down at, looking up at them?
For answers, love, life, support and freedom
How many of those wishes have they granted?

My whole body relaxed into the warm embrace of the exquisite Mother
I could see her shimmering eyes looking into mine
Hear her wisdom
Feel her warmth
And I know she'll always be with me

As I write the next chapter of my life
Filled with adventure, anxiety, stress, excitement and the unknown,
It gives me strength knowing that there will always be one stable element in my life
And that is the unconditional love from my family and the sublime nature surrounding me.

xxx
A

‘Hey, yea I’m from (insert country here).’
‘Oh really? I want to go there one day.’
‘Ah well add me and when you come hit me up.’
 
I’ve had this conversation so many times. And my facebook friends keep growing in number as you meet people from everywhere across the globe. There are so many places that I do wish to visit in the world and yes if you’ll let me crash on your lounge and take me out to your favourite bar, let’s do it. However, I just recently got to thinking about all the people you meet through your travels, you might have an amazing time with them, and you may never see them again, but you’ll always see their status updates and keep up to date on their life.
 
Twenty years ago, you would’ve had a great time out with some cool people, went your separate ways, never saw them again, and they may cross your mind a few years later as you reminisce.
But now due to facebook, a night out turns into a virtual connection lasting a lifetime.
And it gets me thinking about what it really means to be someone’s friend, beyond a friendship request.
 
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love scrolling down my news feed and seeing things in all different languages, with pictures from the snow, mountains or beaches. And I love the fact that at some point in our two very different lives, our paths crossed, we smiled at each other and formed a bond. The unfortunate thing really is, I still know everything that’s happening to you in your life, but I genuinely don’t know if I’ll ever see you again. And you’ll see what’s happening in this person’s life for years to come.
So how do you cut people out of your life now? You really can’t. Whereas 20 years ago, if you outgrew someone, that was it. But now it’s all so personal and people take great offence to being blocked or deleted. Life definitely needs those buttons to filter out those people who are no good for you, but does it have to be so public? It’s such a relief when you do realise that you don’t need certain people in your life and you can cut them out, but until then your friend requests keep rolling in.
 
Some of my closest friends that I have the fondest memories with , are people that you share intimate moments with. Whether it’s telling them your secrets, going on an adventure together, staying up until 3am just talking about nothing in particular, calling them when you’re in trouble and just someone to hug and who makes you feel at home. And it’s just a bonus if you can crash on their lounge when you go traveling to their home country. But it’s those relationships that last beyond that one night out, you message them, have your little inside jokes, have numerous photos with them and you’re already planning when you can see eachother again. You don’t necessarily have to talk everyday or skype once a week, but when you do talk, it’s like it was yesterday. And when you talk, you’re not telling them everything you’ve done for the past month, instead just having a general conversation filled with laughter that doesn’t really make sense.
 
It’s crazy how social media has changed friendships especially within the travel community, because back in the day if you really wanted to keep in touch with someone special, you would get their home address, print off some pictures, write a letter and send it across the world which could take weeks. But now everything is instantaneous. Night out. Take some photos. Have a good chat. Discuss future travel plans. ‘Oh add me.’ And done, you’re now friends for life, where that friendship once wouldn’t have exceeded that night.
 
And I’m not saying in any way that this is a bad thing at all, it’s fantastic. 20 years ago it would’ve been impossible to have pen pals from Brazil, America, Canada, Scotland, France, Sweden, China… all at the same time. I am so thankful for all the incredible people I’ve met in my travels from all across the world, and I probably follow you on facebook, Instagram or twitter. I wish you all of the best in your lives and really do hope I get to crash on your lounge at some point and my offer is always there, if you’re ever in Australia, please do come a visit. Until then keep the status updates, snapchats, tweets and posts coming.
 
 

==="Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I’m tired and I want to go to bed
I don’t want to wake up on my own anymore"
Asleep - The Smiths===

The novelty has vanished
Here I am
I am me
But not the same
Quite a different me in fact
Yet you look at me the same
My inner self screams
‘don’t you notice the difference?’
But no
Of course you don’t
The change is all in my head
An invisible, powerful force
With strength it has led me this far
But now what?
I look around
Trying to detect that same force within someone else
But no
They’re all different
Different colours, shapes and strengths
We converse
But no
You still don’t see it

Like another star in the sky
Though I thought it shone more brightly?
You look into the night
‘ah yes, there it is…’
Blatantly oblivious
Instead, captivated by another
I look up at the stars
Each glimmering in a unique way

The moon stands proudly amongst them
‘oh dear moon, you can see it can’t you?’
He is busy with others
He stands strong and powerfully
High in the night sky
His exterior glimmering brightest of all
Like sunshine beaming off of a mirror
I glance at my reflection

Same hair
Same eyes
Same tounge
This is what everyone else sees
But my hair has danced upon many a breeze
My eyes have witnessed such incredible things
My tounge is hungry for the spices of life
I guess no one else can see it

It is mine
As I look around
Everyone’s force is unique
Some are similar colours and shapes
But all in all, different
Maybe one day someone will see some of my colour
Or some shapes

But it is something that is mine
I am here
I am me
Yes the novelty has worn off
Until my next journey
For now, I’m just tired
I look up at the glorious moon once more
A part of me wanting to talk
A part of me is already asleep
Sing me to sleep